The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix

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If you've ever said, or even just thought to yourself, I wish something exciting would happen, Patricia Campbell is here to tell you that that's not a good idea. Grady Hendrix's The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires is a complete surprise, in all of the most brilliant ways, sucking me into the real-life hilarity of Patricia and her friends, then immediately horrified by some truly gruesome and frightening scenes.

Patricia is a stressed-out Southern wife and mom, caught up in the continuous rut that has become her life, with an even more stressful book club. After a particularly upsetting (though funny) meeting where it was revealed that no one actually read the book, Patricia and a few stragglers start their own club, devoted to the true crime genre, tempting Patricia with the idea that things would be better if they were just a little more exciting. Then into the neighborhood moves James Harris, an enigmatic, handsome stranger who not only does Patricia feel drawn, but also unnerved. What unfolds is a quirky, sometimes hilarious and sometimes horrifying, novel of friendships, coming of age, even as adults, and super natural monsters who not only scare the bajeezus out of us, but also make us realize that anything is possible, including us. 

This book is absolutely brilliant. So well does it capture the monotonous, though unpredictability, of motherhood and wifedome, I was actually surprised such relatability came from a man. In the author's note, he said he wanted, "...to pit Dracula against my mom," and it would appear that he has a great understanding and appreciation for that role. And the vast differences between how the wives behave versus the husbands is crafty and sharp. 

The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires is a horrifyingly good time, with lots of humor, lots of heart - and not just the bleeding kind - it's quippiness reminiscent of Netflix's Dead Like Me and The San Clarita Diet. I definitely recommend this book, perfect for reading during this time of year, or if you're ever in the mood for a fun scare. And though My Best Friend's Exorcism is not the prequel, it did spawn this novel, making it another to-read.  ⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 on my goodreads profile.

I'm Thinking of Ending Things by Iain Reid

Since giving birth, I've read the last half of Sold On A Monday, the entirety of The People We Hate at the Wedding, and half of This Is Not Over, and yet I managed to read I'm Thinking Of Ending Things by Iain Reid in exactly two days. And those two days involved the older kids being home from school, and the first drop in temperature and snow storm, virtually stranding them inside the house. I first saw this book - where else? - on Instagram, and when I saw it in Target, I bought it for this tagline alone: "You will be scared. But you won't know why." In my ever-evolving reading career, I've grown to appreciate books with little to no description, and I even find myself steering away from books with overly long and complicated synopses. I'm Thinking of Ending Things lives up to its limited description. You will be scared and you won't know why, and then you will feel incredibly uncomfortable.

The book doesn't offer a synopsis, so I won't either, but that might just be an impossible task, anyway. How do you describe a book like this? This book? It's short and to the point even though there are moments when it feels like the story is getting away from you. It is, at times, overly complicated, but in a way that makes you feel creepily disoriented, like you're walking through a maze of mirrors. It is a scary story, but it also offers insight and epiphanies into the complex function of our brains and our minds, and what it means to be human. It's like those dreams where nothing innately scary happens, but you wake up feeling weird and scared, anyway. Between reading this book and watching The Good Place, my mind has been properly fucked with.

I don't usually read scary stories until this time of year, just like I only read beach-reads in the summer, and I am always hoping that what I choose will be scarier than The Shining, even books deemed, "scary as hell," by King, himself. But nothing has measured up to The Shining, not even Pet Sematary, which is scary for an entirely different reason altogether. I'm Thinking of Ending Things definitely keeps you guessing and keeps the pages turning; there is no way you won't want to know the conclusion, until you do, and then you kind of wish you didn't.

In my limited knowledge of triggers, I believe the end of this novel is one. BUT, I can't tell you what the trigger is without spoiling not just the ending, but the entire book as well. The end isn't exactly unexpected, but it is disturbing, and I honestly don't know how I would be able to watch the Netflix movie after having read the book. Well, ok...I am slightly curious...maybe tomorrow as it continues to snow...⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 on goodreads. CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE $5.00 Like New.                     

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The Turn of the Key by Ruth Ware

What I once actively gravitated towards, and even went so far as to contemplate purchasing at what Costco and Wal-Mart consider "full-price," has now made me approach with trepidation; the newest Ruth Ware novel used to illicit a certain amount of readers' excitement from me but now just makes me want to read something else. Mysterious, overly-dramatic, and often with imagery that is a character all its own, what has promise of a decent premise is often overly padded with fluff then abruptly ended in an obscure, slightly disturbing way (*cough* The Lying Game *cough*). Ware's latest tale, The Turn of the Key, isn't as gross or as boring, but finding the point is an exhausting process.

Rowan Caine becomes the latest in a string of nannies to be hired for Heatherbrae House, taken in by the lush remote Scottish countryside and mountain views, the Smart house technology that puts everything at ones' fingertips, and the charming, though shy, little girls that are to be her charges. She quickly learns that four nannies before her have cut and run after they were taken in by all of the amenities, as well as the rumors of the mansion's supposed paranormal activity. The luster from Rowan's interview quickly turns sour as she's left alone on her first day for no less than two weeks, the girls turn nasty, and the pre-teen away at boarding school returns to wreck havoc. And now she's hearing footsteps pacing in the boarded-up attic above her bedroom.

What is, apparently, a retelling of The Turn of the Screw, Ware's The Turn of the Key is a modern take on ghost stories, replacing the ghouls and goblins of the childhood of yore with the legitimate fears of today's omnipresent technology. Ware bluntly underscores how the shine of new and innovative technology wears off pretty quickly. But as a story, the book is long and ultimately fruitless with some spooky moments peppered throughout what is mostly misadventures in babysitting, and gets a little Lifetime movie-ish. There is also an inordinate amount of focus on the architecture of the house, which does add an interestingly creepy element to the story, but with that amount of attention given to it, it's never really explained why. The ending does offer up some good surprises, though the second-to-last scene is a little obscure; it took me a minute to "get," you might need the collective brains of your book club to enlighten everyone.

The Turn of the Key is a perfectly fine read, though not particularly scary or interesting. ⭐⭐⭐/5 on goodreads. 

The Whisper Man by Alex North

I usually save scary, or scary-type books, until Halloween time but I am only just slightly aware of the Instagram popularity of The Whisper Man by Alex North (*eye roll*) to snatch up a copy when it became available at my local library. And it's most likely because of this popularity that I read and stuck with the book, as I tend to avoid stories that in any way involve children. But The Whisper Man slowly sucks you in and gets under your skin; it's scary without being gory, and creepy without losing a strong theme of humanity.

Tom and his young son, Jake, move to quiet Featherbank in hopes of moving on after the sudden death of Tom's wife, Rebecca. Unaware of the town's unfortunate history - being home to serial abductor and murderer, Frank Carter - Tom and Jake's supposed fresh start is short lived. Right away, a little boy goes missing, igniting rumors that Carter had an accomplice, and then Jake starts hearing whispers at his window...

This book is definitely scary, and if children are one of your triggers, you might want to really think about if you want to read this story. It is very reminiscent of Stephen King in several ways - the element of alcohol abuse, the struggling writer character, the child who talks to invisible children and uses creepy phrases like, "the boy in the floor," and, most importantly, the delicate weaving of the childhood monsters under our bed and the unfortunate monsters of real life. But what it differs from King is probably what makes is such a great read. Though it is a blunt and often shocking portrayal of the tumultuous relationship between fathers and sons, what is at first scary becomes sweet and sentimental.

The Whisper Man is intense and gripping. It is creepy, mysterious, extremely well-written and intricately plotted, and makes your brain turn as fast as the pages. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐/5 on goodreads.

The Best Books to Read During Fall

I know plenty of fellow bibliophiles who love to read beach/summer novels while on the beach during summer. No doubt there are other bibliophiles who are just straight-up seasonal readers like myself, so this one's for you! In no particular order, here is my ever-evolving list of great books to read from late August to late November, with no synopsis, just a blurb about why I included it. Happy Snuggle-Up-and-Read Time!

Books You Might Not Have Heard About

* The Troop by Nick Cutter. This book takes place in the late summer, during a Boy Scout-like camping trip on a small island only reachable by boat, and is only scary because it is SO gross. It is also scary because Cutter has decided that writing horror means exploiting the absolute worst parts of the human condition. This book will definitely make you feel uncomfortable, and do not read while eating, especially pasta.

* The Bucket List by Georgia Clark. Because Fall and the month of October isn't just about being scared, it's also about being aware. A perfect read for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, this book is about Lacey, a woman in her 20's who is suddenly faced with almost-certain breast cancer. Her's is a journey like no one would expect, a brilliant peek into the unexpected, and often hidden, emotions that come with a life-changing medical diagnosis.

* Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith. I recommend this book to people and they think I've lost my marbles, but this it is an absolutely fantastic read. The story mixes history and fantasy, gore and drama, and heroism and heartbreak. A perfect book for whenever you find yourself in a remote cabin.

* The Darkest Places: Unsolved Mysteries, True Crimes, and Harrowing Disasters in the Wild by The Editors of Outdoor Magazine. Speaking of finding yourself in a remote cabin, this book is a collection of stories centered around the wilds of the wilderness. I flipped the book open and happened to land on a story about severed feet encased in sneakers washing up on various shores. Not only great for this time of year, this book is also a must-read around the summer campfire.

The Usual Suspects

* The Shining by Stephen King. Full disclosure, I read this book because of that episode of Friends (which is also why I read Little Women), and even though I have read a few more horror books since, and more books overall than Joey Tribbiani, I agree with him that The Shining is the scariest book ever written. It takes place from late Fall to early Spring, the weather a sinister character in its own right. I have recommended this book to people who, naively, thought it was just a book and read a little before bedtime. In the dark. Alone. Then, nope, had to put it down and walk away. This book is a must-read, just don't start reading The Shining without making sure there is plenty of room in the freezer.

* Doctor Sleep by Stephen King. This is the 30-years later sequel to The Shining and it is phenomenal. It is gripping and empowering and a terrifying mix of our legitimate, real-life fears, and the mythical monsters under our bed.

* Pet Sematary by Stephen King. Last King book, I promise, but this book has a bit of a cult following. I found it to be more exhausting than scary, and I refuse to watch the movie simply because of the scene with the toddler (you know what I'm talking about, and no, not where he's eating his mother's face).

* In A Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware. I mean, the title alone, right? Set in a remote part of England, in a cabin with no phone service, with a group of people you can't trust, this book is definitely a claustrophobic read for when it gets too cold to leave the house.

* The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware. Set on a luxury cruise surrounded by frigid, dark waters, where a woman may or may not have been thrown overboard, this is yet another book you don't want to read without your sweatpants.

* The Lying Game by Ruth Ware. This book alternates between the present heat of the summer, and the fall and biting winter of the characters' teenage school year, and while the book isn't necessarily scary, it is mysterious and uncomfortable.

* The Death of Mrs. Westaway by Ruth Ware. My last Ware book, at least until I read her latest, The Turn of the Key. I've read at least one of her books every year around this time, it must be habit now. Well, there are worse habits to have. Also set in a remote part of England, lets just acknowledge that every book set across the pond feels...damp. The setting and weather of this book, alone, gives you the chills, and it is a definite page-turner, making you never want to crawl out from under your blanket.

* See What I Have Done by Sarah Schmidt. This book is not set during Fall, but an oppressive and - again - damp, heat. And makes me never want to eat pears ever again. But it is an extremely weird, creepy story, and you'll understand the Lizzie Borden costumes come Halloween.

* The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson. Like the King books I mentioned above, reading this book during this time of the year is like one big no-duh. Haunted house and terrified family and Priest, it's like it's not even Halloween if you've never acknowledged The Amityville Horror.

* World War Z by Max Brooks. Everyone is a cynic these days and no matter the time of year will tell you how the world is headed to Hell in a hand-basket, but not before a good, old-fashioned Zombie apocalypse. Personally, I'll always save stories like these for that special Zombie time of year.

* Final Girls by Riley Sager. This book is scary and should be read during this time of year for the same reason you might feel compelled to watch Scream. More specifically, this book is a lot more like Scream 2, where the gruesome murders of the past should be case-closed and done, but of course they're not.  

Simply Set During Fall

* Fierce Kingdom by Gin Phillips. This book is intense and gripping and only spans three hours in mid-October with a mother and her young son at the local zoo. The story isn't particularly scary or mysterious in the traditional horror sense, but the imagery of the first 30-pages is enough to paint all the fall imagery.

* The Woman in the Window by A.J. Finn. This book is definitely a mysterious page-turner that is set during early fall; that perfect time of year when dusk comes earlier than we'd like, playing tricks with our eyes and our minds. But this book is also heartbreaking and emotional and takes you on a roller coaster you might not have expected.

* The Heretic's Daughter by Kathleen Kent. Set during the span of the cold, winter months, you can never go wrong with reading about the Salem Witch Trials during the darkest months of the year. Simply placing yourself in the shoes of these people, and knowing that they are real, is enough to scare you more than any witch could.

* Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clark. This is a hefty, complicated book - both figuratively and literally - as books around competing magicians tend to be, a la The Night Circus. But this long and imaginative read would be the perfect book to get you into the hibernating spirit.

* The Revenant by Michael Punke. I love a good true story, especially ones about surviving in the wild. Left for dead after a brutal bear attack, this book is tense and bitter and cold and exhausting. It will definitely make you thankful for your cozy bed and nearby hospital. 

* One Thousand White Women by Jim Fergus. This book can be read at any time, but since we seem to put extra focus on Native Americans - and often stereo typically so - during this time of year, this is a great read to really get into and understand the lives of a group of Native Americans, and a snippet of the interactions between them, White people, and the government. Also check out the sequel, The Vengeance of Mothers.

Or, ya know, read whatever you want. 😊

I Am Behind You by John Ajvide Lindqvist

What, in the name of all that is Holy, did I just fucking read?

And so begins a long line of similar sentiments on the goodreads review board for John Ajvide Lindqvist's I Am Behind You, a title - much like the book - that is completely pointless and devoid of meaning and ultimately stupid. Apparently, this WTF-factor is not unfamiliar to readers of Lindqvist's previous books, but it will most likely be the reason that I never read - much less pay any more library late-fees for - one of his books again.

Waking up one morning in a Swedish campsite (not unlike many you find in America), a group of adults, two young children, a dog, and a cat find that everything has disappeared; no additional campers besides them, no additional caravans, no trees, no roads, no water, and no sun. Just blue sky and a grass that doesn't grow. What starts out as intensely creepy, gradually turns into the story with no ending; just one, long, constant stream of consciousness, like the ramblings of an old man who had the weirdest dream and remembers every last detail. But, not only does it get hard to focus, keep names and places straight, and is inherently meaningless, it is also gross, disturbing, and something you're just better off not knowing.

It is written well enough, capturing the spirit - the essence - of each character in a way that is expressly unique to them; and oftentimes profound, offering up several quotes that resonated with me, personally. But as the pages reach the end, the book goes from being a cross between The Shining, LOST, The Langoliers, and every horror movie you've ever seen involving creepy children, to a hodgepodge of lack-luster horror that even the characters aren't afraid of anymore. It goes the way of Nick Cutter's The Deep in that there comes a point when Lindqvist is just trying too hard to be controversial, and the payoff is nil. There is no happy ending, no conclusive ending - also like The Deep, the story just...stops. There is, literally, no ending, which means I could have stopped reading this book about 200-pages - or three weeks - ago, and now it is one of the few that I won't remember much of but when I see it or am reminded of it, will make me scrunch my nose in disgust.

Dubbed "the Stephen King of Sweden," and even though I find King to be exhausting on a whole other level, you're better off just reading a Stephen King novel. Like I Am Behind You, any of his books might also give you nightmares, but they will at least be nightmares that make sense. This book was definitely not worth the time, effort, or library late fees. ⭐/5 on goodreads.com.